Good Honest Stephen

Something my father might have said if he was still around today. Instead he would take the spoon and try and beat me with it first and then use it to mix the red sauce for our spaghetti that night. Spaghetti with tears and meat balls.

Today I started my new job at Chili’s. I drank a lot last night so it was hard for me to get out of bed and hop in the shower. My boyfriend brought me breakfast and a coffee to make sure I didn’t have a hangover into my first day at work. I used your shaver and grabbed your handkerchief. I make sure to put it in my back pocket so I always have it with me. Today, I thought about everything I gained from you. I realized that I have your sense of humor. Me and you may have some of the driest humor, but we still know how to laugh at ourselves and make others laugh along the way. I also found out that I get your seriousness and sternness from you as well. If we aren’t laughing, it’s because we have to be serious and get something done. I came home today to find a manilla envelope and on the front it read “Stephen’s Plays” and inside you saved every Playbill of all the shows you came to see. I never knew you saved all my playbills because I thought you didn’t care that much about my plays. But now I realize how much you really did love me and cared for me. I never liked idolizing and celebrities because it never made any sense to me why I should. But now I have one star I will always look up to…you. You’re my one and only star I will inspire to be and wish on every night. 

So, if you did not know, I am a “part-time” drama coach at my high school alma mater. I’ve returned to help my previous teacher not go crazy and complete her last year at the school. We work together on the productions with directing, producing, design….everything that goes into a show.

Usually; even when I was in high school as a student, we would base our selections for a cast on talent, grade level, or years in the class; in that order. So if you were a great singer, more than likely you would get a lead role in the musical. Now that you know the gist of the theater program…now to get to the situation at hand.

It has come to my knowledge that one of our leads; actually, the main lead of the show, has been arrested and suspended from school due to the fact she was caught SMOKING on school premises. She has been suspended from school for 10 days. This student has been known to talk openly about her “drug” use and also was caught last year sneaking a bottle of alcohol into the dressing rooms and was punished last year as well for it. She plays the victim all the time and gets away with things by playing the “pitty on me” card. The other teacher is so focused on retirement this year that she has just decided to let this student keep her roles in both shows she is involved in.

I think that the student should NOT have any lead role at all due to her actions. The student has made a bad decision, was disciplined by the school, and then still gets to perform and rewarded with her lead role in a musical…to me, that’s not how it works. The student has put a bad reputation on herself and I don’t want that reputation being brought into the theater or combined with a show that I am producing/directing/designing. If an athlete was to be caught doing drugs, that athlete would be suspended from any further games or even asked to leave the team. At work, if you are caught with any kind of drugs in your system; you’re fired. I’m not going to let this student think it’s alright to do drugs, take a 10 day vacation from school, and then be able to come back and perform in a show she has been waiting on for four years. 

Do you think the student should be able to keep her role or what would you do?

So we’re dating…cool. As a person, I feel that if I’m not giving you everything in a relationship you ask for and feel that I can not live up to your standards for this relationship to work, I will probably end a relationship. Sorry. But when you make a big scene about us breaking up and then post pictures no more than two weeks later with another boy with the title “boyfriend”; you must get over things real quickly. It’s called being codependent and it’s not cute. “Learn to be lonely”. 

I never knew I had such an attractive and alluring backside. Such a tease. 

Why don’t go-go boys actually DANCE anymore?? They shouldn’t be called male dancers if they don’t dance. More like male movers. Please don’t label yourself as a dancer if you can’t actually dance.

This one is pretty short…I’m busy reading a book so most of my thoughts have been directed towards understanding The 4-Hour Chef. I want to be a good cook, but in the meantime I’ll read a book about it. HA!

Ciao!

I’m not really trying to write daily….give myself some time to actually THINK about the things that I’m about to write, but I just want to get this BULL out of my head.

What is the point of being a shot boy? Even though I love doing it and making a couple extra dollars here and there…if people want a shot, they will go to the bar and buy a damn shot. Yeah, my shot is only $2 and filled with mostly filler and juice….but enough of them will put you under the table. How are you going to haggle me a $2 shot….when you are going to the bar buying drink after drink. Give me $2 or keep walking. Rude.

Do you think meeting a dancer in a bar is really going to be a lasting relationship? Most of the times I am there to work…not there to meet my husband and talk about how great our life together is going to be. Give me your number and maybe we will talk later. Most of the time I’m showing you attention because I want that dollar bill that is in your hand. Speaking the truth. Yeah, some dancers/shot boys are real sweet and probably will date you, but we are there to work just like everybody else in that bar. I can’t be bothered with you talking about how cute we are going to be together and how great of a guy you are…those people over there are waiting for another shot and you’re holding me back from my money.

I tell you I’m going to be working at a bar that you frequently go to because either A.) I want to see you or B.) I want to see you again. Whatever you had to do to be there; whatever arrangements you had to make to show up for me, I’m flattered and excited that you could make it out and see me and support me in the line of work. But when I’m ready to go….I’m ready to go. You better be around so that I could say goodbye and maybe make arrangements to see each other again. But when you disappear and I make two trips around the club and STILL don’t see you. I’m heading out. I’ll text you goodbye. BUT FOR YOU TO GET ANGRY WITH ME THAT I’M LEAVING?! That’s not my fault you decided to play hidden ninja manhunt at that very moment. I’m not wasting my energy to look under every rock and bathroom stall to look for you. Not my problem.

Just because I dance on you once just to get the party going does not give you permission to chase me around the bar, dry humping my ass the entire night. Find someone else to dance with you all night because like I’ve said before…I’M WORKING!! 

Why is it when dancing with someone behind you…they always like to push their weight forward onto you, causing you to dance on the balls of your feet the entire time. You’re lucky I have good balance. I should just plant my heels down and push your ass off me and if you push me forward again, I’m going to nut check you.

I think that is all. I hope one day people will actually read this crazy blogs.

I think i’m going to continue with this thought spillage blog crap. maybe somewhere down the line I can actually have some kind of a theme people will appreciate. Hmmm, where to begin…. well it’s around time after work for me, so most of these thoughts will be about work and what i was thinking WHILE at work.

What happened to kids? Back when I was in secondary education…there was AT LEAST one trouble child per grade. Now it seems to be a whole generation of students that think it’s “cool” to be bad/disrespectful. I have freshman coming up to me and telling me that i’m stupid and can go f*$% off! That student is lucky I done slap the life out of him! But then when you contact the parents…they seem like a deer in a headlight. “Oh, I had no idea.” “That’s not my son! He would never say that.” BULL!!! I just feel kids these days need some kind of discipline. Teachers can only enforce rules that parents should have taught them in the first place. All in all, to sum up my argument, students these days are RATCHET. That is all. :D

Whatever happened to detention? And why does it not instill fear into kids anymore? Can we bring in the iron maiden from Matilda and have that for kids when they get in trouble?? How about solitary?

What do band kids do all day at school? Because all I ever hear in the hallway is them playing the same note over and over again on every single instrument. The trumpets, oboes, clarinets….all BLARING the same note disrupting my theater class and interrupting me in the middle of a sentence. PLAY A NEW NOTE!

Random side note…I think I want to cut off all my hair and just have a buzz cut…maybe it’s the stress from today. But my hair is just bugging me and I want it gone!

Anything else I should talk about?

I don’t know where to talk about this. I just want to write it down somewhere. Today I fell asleep around 6pm, my mother woke me up by poking me in the nose on the side of my bed to tell me she was going out for a bit, and then I woke back up at 10pm. But then when I woke up I had this urge to just write and vent for a bit. I wouldn’t say venting in a bad way….but just a release of thoughts.

I’m leaving to New York in less than 237 days (I have a problem, but I always need to know how many days I have between two days. Almost like Sandy Cheeks in the episode before she goes into hibernation.)

I can’t let myself be in a relationship now because I know that once things start getting serious, I’m going to leave and it’s going to break either mine or their heart…I don’t want that to happen again.

I can’t let myself just sleep with people for fun or pleasure…as much as I want the pleasure….I can’t let myself have it because it feels wrong that I wont pursue it after.

The gay scene in Tampa seems to get SMALLER and smaller…I can’t even talk to a new gentleman without them knowing one of my ex’s or runs in the same group as my ex. It wouldn’t bother me as much if my ex’s wouldn’t make it so awkward sometime.

I’m excited to actually meet a new group of people in New York and to be able to see some kind of caste system with the gays in New York….instead of these Tampa gays who think they have different “cliques”, but really they are just one big group, but just try and separate themselves once they go out.

Last night at the gym I had a gentleman come up to me and ask my about the Lord, then we prayed together…and I didn’t explode into flames. I think that was His way of telling me that he is there because there were days that I thought he wasn’t.

I believe I have spilled most of my thoughts out…at least the ones I want to share.